I recently had a long conversation with a friend about this label
(although at the time we did not label it as I just did). You read that
right: “Unsuitable to date.” It kinda smacks of psychology jargon,
which is annoying. Think of the things that make people suitable.
Okay. First, rule out anyone who exhibits signs of the “two A’s:”
abuse and addiction. Look at the most important things in life - if you
want to have children, and if so, how many. Religious beliefs (in some
cases that is a big make or break). Political affiliation (if you even
care) may play a part in things to a small degree. General lifestyle
sensibilities - shared hobbies and activities, etc. The biggest “seal
the deal” is incredible physical chemistry, and if you have this and
everything else matches up perfectly ... whoa! Things like this should
really “go.” They always have. And yet they don't "go" far at all in
some cases. They blasted off the ground only to explode, midair, and
fragment into tiny pieces, scattered everywhere. I’m sure if you look
around you'll find millions of tiny pieces of hearts and dreams, you
might even be stepping on mine.
My dis-qualifiers, in theory, would
be distance, not so much physical as emotional and mental. There has
got to be something much deeper and greater pulling me toward a person
other then the selected list of "qualifications". Most would say I think
too much and expect too much. I have even been told "it doesn't
exists". Now, before you go feeling sorry for me, let me tell you
something: Anything can be found when you least seek it. My point is,
the universe already knows what belongs together and what doesn't, so
wait. With that being said, if the right person (your "the one") should
come into your life, don't question the hows and whys, simply allow it
to exist. If you and he/she want to be together no matter how many miles
or obstacles are in between, you will. You know what I'm talking about, for example a person comes into your life and then vanishes and just as they vanished they reappear and so on and so on. The universe is making it so you both will at some point in time truly cross paths.
I consider myself a great
communicator. I will tell you exactly how I feel and expect nothing less. Anything less makes me uncomfortable. I take what people tell me at face value,and what they don't say too. But I also look
for how they use language to gain insight into their personality -
semantics. It’s all about subtext. I hone in on phrases like “too
far”, "not yet" and “too much time.” I note when practical thinking
overrides intuition way too much. Picking up on unspoken cues is
important, too (very....important). I see if someone is okay with
waiting for a table at the restaurant, if they’re willing to park a mile
away from the venue. I look for that endurance of will, that something
that causes a person to go out of their way or wait a little while for
something they really want. I notice how people react to being told
something unpleasant - can they deal? Or do they close down?
Convenience.
A man’s least favorite word might be “compromise,” but
mine is “convenience.” My forgettable relationships started out because
of convenience and ended when it no longer was. There was a bleak
attempt to make it work, but ... meh. It wasn’t the normal relationship
arguments that shattered those relationships; it was because we never
had that tight “got your back covered” bond to begin with that makes
couples endure on both ends. So how did it last as long as it did?
Temporal proximity engendered fondness. Habit. A past relationship that
lasted way too long, that made me want to try, try, try, was birthed
from a childhood need for stability (that's the real reason not the good
reason) that I vowed to "make sure" my children would have at the cost
of my very soul. Now looking back I see just how it did in fact cost me
that and much more, because I was never...appreciated and was never
genuinely happy. I was just happy the children were happy. I recall
every new year telling myself Whoa... we (me, myself and i) made it
though another year with him. I worked so hard to hold it all together
just to make sure... the kids had daddy at home, but little did I know
they had lost Mommy in the process because I was no longer alive. I was
on auto pilot. Simple fact: You appreciate something a lot more if
you work for it. So failed relationships build the foundation for the
lasting love of your life. This was an important, if awkward, thing to
learn. But I know it, and you know it. It's in the second half of my
life that I have learned to appreciate the imperfections that make
everything perfect.
If someone is willing to go through hoops just to
give me a hug when they sense I need it without a hint from me that
would be one of the many ways I would notice their love for me. Or
call me multiple times a day when they wish to physically be near me,
then that is who I want to spend my time with! That is what makes him a
part of my life and important to me. That to me is worth more then the
white picked fence and big backyard that I once sold my soul for and
have now given up on. This is the real world... so enough there is no
time for fairy tales! Nothing is perfect, but is can be perfect in it's
own way. Life is not a big fun park. Parents go. Health declines.
Jobs are lost. If you are married or at least are blessed enough to
have your "the one", one of you will outlive the other, and if you’re
the unlucky survivor, you must put the person you loved in the ground.
To love like that, you have to know that love will be impractical,
inconvenient, and totally unpredictable; that is the very definition of
life. (If you can navigate around this, more power to you.) You have
to go a lot further than convenience allows, to truly love. You have to
be headstrong and strong.
I’ve reached a couple of conclusions during
this foray into the soon forgotten: People want it, but don't dare have
it, because they are lazy and cowards. A lot of them set themselves up
for FAIL because they have all sorts of unimportant specifications they
want their perfect person to meet, a short distance being one of the
more irrelevant ones. Yet oddly enough, they will part company with
their biggest “deal breakers” for the sake of not being alone. I think
that people spend most of their life alone or with the person who
doesn’t really “do it” for them and cheating because secretly their
hearts long for more. They just won’t get out of the pattern of what
"other people" expect from them in their life (ahhh who's
life?...yours!). I am out that frame of mind ... Then there’s the most
brutal aspect. Everyone has a good reason to be together, and then they
have a real reason. As much as we can try to neutralize our instinct
to fall in love, it’s in our nature. When you meet the right person
(your "the one", you know it, and you can’t help it. You will climb a
ladder all the way to the moon to fetch the beloved. But when will you
take that chance? What does it take to wake you from the deep sleep of
"expectation of others and responsibilities tied to others", that deep
sleep with soft background music whispering the shudda, coulda,
woulddas...and what ifs...? Quite simply, when we have strength and
courage! I could ponder (as I have for about twenty five
minutes while writing this): “Geez, what’s the next DO?” Will I be one
inch too tall? Maybe my hair will be too light? or they'll find my oh
so cute mole ugly?! Will I work in the wrong field? Will I be toO
thick?...maybe too thin? What is the minutiae that I would have to
eradicate from my life to conform to someone’s ideal? But I know it’s
not really about these things, and if someone tells me that my
importance to them has any correlation to my physical or proximity to
their neighborhood for their convenience, I’m going to do a mental eye
roll. It’s about being the 'Right One" for the person who is willing to
do the daily labor of accepting my imperfect self and willing to run
through hoops to do it without a second thought or hidden agenda. Some
might call it uncalculated risk to wait for "Mr.I'mAllYou'veEverWanted",
others might say I risk being alone for life, but I am willing to risk
it all at "the chance" to have it! I call it blind faith. Some of you
might say I'm expecting too much, I say I expect exactly what I am ready
and willing to give and nothing more. I still have blind faith; I want
love, not convenience. I want him to matter and I want to matter to
him. So it will be anything but simple, but if you work for it, you'll
cherish it more. I want it to be unlike anything ever... it must be
real. Most people can't handle the truth about what is really in their
significant others mind, but be it ugly or pretty if you want
real...appreciate it for what it is.
I have matured enough to know the
gift I want may not be packaged as i thought, but still in all "it's the
gift I want", so come hale, snow, fire or flood I will sacrifice to
have it. If there is one person like me, there has to be another.
Don’t you think? Well I know there is. Anything else, to me at least...
is unsuitable to date! OMG It's almost 2am, forgive me if I had a gibberish
episode with multiple type-o's I'm sure! lol night night ;p)
