Simply ME

I have a strong personality. It's because I have a strong identity. I am me. There are a lot of things about me that offend people, displease people, embarrass people, annoy people. I've lived most of my life knowing this. You can't win them all. What a great motto to live by.

For years I've understood that because I have a strong identity and I'm not willing to sacrifice me, that most people will either love me or hate me. I've caught myself many times trying to hide those parts that people don't like. It made me feel horrible. Not because some people didn't like me or get me, but because by hiding, I was telling them that I didn't like myself. I diminished my self-worth and gave power to the opinions of people who didn't matter.

Cliche of Dr. Seuss, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

There is one thing about me that at times is a quality and at other times I have come to the conclusion that it's my defense mechanism. I know how to walk way... I mean, I can disconnected, disappear, vanish and even if I cry everyday, am anguished by pain and miss someone terribly. I will suffer in silence! Yet in the one relationship I was most abused in, I remained far too long. You learn a lot of ugliness about yourself when you see how willing you have been to be walk all over for the sake of not being alone, not starting over, impressing someone or proving to others that you are strong enough to hold on. That look into the mirror of my past has given me a secret impulse to want to run from people I start to feel close to. Yet there is someone that has captured all of me, and it makes me scared.

Why do we put so much emphasis on such a large majority of people? You know who I care to impress? My God, my kids, my sisters their babies and my parents. My God because he is the reason for all that I have ever had and all I will ever have. My kids because they are my heart and I must be all that I was created to be for the sake of teaching them to want more out of life and going after it. My sisters and nephews for the same reason as my children. My parents because they took on the burden (and pleasure lol) of molding me. With the exception of two other people I wish to not name, Everyone else is like collateral damage. The more you try to impress them, the more fake you get. The more you lose yourself. The less people respect you. The less you'll like yourself.

I see so many people forcing themselves into a mold that they don't naturally fit into. You know, square peg, round hole. It's like me shoving myself into a pair of size 2 skinny jeans. It's ugly. Why are you sacrificing yourself, your beliefs, your identity to please someone or a group of someones who ultimately do not know you? It's pointless. Not everyone can wear skinny jeans. I have a big booty and hips for days... I could never ever in my thinnest day fit into a pair, but I'm cool with that, are you? 

It all boils down to confidence. When you're secure in yourself, you can lose the mask. You can lose the facade of who you want people to see you as. Instead, you let them see you for who you are: the good, the bad, and the make-up-free ugly.

When I say something, it's not to impress people. It's just because I thought it. So it makes it a part of me, at least for that moment. Free speech is a right. Use it. Don't let it go to waste. Transform it into free identity. Become yourself. Regardless of what people think or say. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Your identity is constantly evolving, but it can't grow and adapt and become amazing if it's never freed from trying to impress others.