The Time Is NOW

Sometimes there is no next time,

no time outs,

and no second chances;

sometimes it’s now,

or never!

Life will break you

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It’s the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself to rise...rise above it all and stand taller then ever before. NEVER GIVE UP!

Dear self,

Dear Self,

Please forgive me for failing to lead by example how you should be valued. Forgive me for not telling you that your giving too much of yourself to away until we are both reminded by the empty feeling left within us. I haven't always given you the best advice, but lets be honest here, when I have tried you have ignored my better judgement.

I want to cherish your beautiful soul and learn from your pensive way of looking at even the finest details. I sincerely want to be your best friend, but I don't know how. So for now please forgive me, because I want to genuinely love you. 

This time, lease don't let anything stand in the way of letting me finally embrace you for all that you are and so many (even me) have failed to see.

-Jenn

Tu determinación

Vale tanto tu determinación
como tu inteligencia.
No importa lo que te ocurra en tu vida,
porque tienes la capacidad de elegir tu reacción.
Así que busca lo positivo de cada situación
y ofrece lo mejor que hay dentro de ti.

Elige, busca, decide mirar y aprovechar sólo lo mejor.
Cuida y observa tus reacciones,
tu puedes elegir como reaccionar ante cada situación,
de ti depende.

Una buena enseñanza es eterna 

y su verdad es universal.

La magia siempre está en ti

La luz y el amor siempre están en ti

Love her, you only have one!

I...AM A MOTHER!

Isolation

PEOPLE, Are the reason, I choose to live within my own mind.

Cover girl

 She stands tall in front of the mirror then gently brushes the hair out her face as she whispers to herself "show time".

As she parts on foundation to give her skin the glow it lost when she lost hope, she takes a deep breath and prepares to be strong for another day.

She applies eye shadow on to the eye lids that fought to hold back tears all night,

Traces her eyes with the eye liner to throw off any sing that they've ever cried. She slides on lip gloss to dress up her hidden frown

oh what a beautiful cover girl she is...

covering up her pain from the world

in this process of covering up she fails to see

that she sabotages the chance of anyone from truly knowing all that she is

only the strong will survive they say

so there is no time to have a moment of weakness

no time to be human

no time to wash off the mask and simply be me

Transformed

I need to be transformed into a new woman. The woman I already am, but have no time for. I realize that Ive allowed too many voices to have authority over the direction of my life. I'd like to try something a little different. I'd like to really spend more time listening to myself and determining what I really want, void out the opinions of others. I spend so much time trying to please people and forgetting myself in the process of being distracted. I have spent so much time trying to please people and forgetting myself in the process of being distracted! I've spent so much time trying to fit everyone's needs into my schedule (which left little or no time for myself). The moment I do make time for myself, I find myself troubleshooting the attitudes of others because I'm not available.

I'm exhausted!!!

I recently had a emotional panic attack. It lasted a few minutes, but even 1 minute was too long (complete with hysteria, tears, snot and thinking that I was going to have a heart attack) because I was consumed with worry about how upset everyone ELSE was going to be because I need to stay goal focused for myself for a little while (at least). I mean God forbid, I'm unavailable at the snap of a finger. Right?! SMH  This episode took me by surprise, although I will say I felt it slowly rising for the past two days then all of a sudden it fell on me like a ton of bricks!

So, Enough's enough! For the next couple of days/weeks/months (whatever feels best) I'm going to focus on ME! When I feel the need to FOCUS, I will shut everything down. Cell phone and Computer OFF. Everything OFF! Prioritizing my life is must. Yet at any point of this flow, If I need to be with Me some more time, I must and I will!

Pray. Go to the Gym. Rest. Plan and action on this divorce, yes... I said divorce! Because it's like a dead body that is tied to me with a umbilical cord that has yet to be cut off! Finalize unfinished projects I started for myself like my book that I've been working on. So far I've finished chapter 1. I’ve got too many things in the works for myself to be distracted any longer. I have to make time for ME or I’ll be no good for anyone, not even myself if I don't do this!

The fact that I know I need to pull away and shut down means I’m already off to a good start. And even though I miss some of my closest friends in this walk, I’m trusting that after all I’ve given, a moment to myself can be respected. If not, then it's been nice knowing you... I’ve got to get myself together. My life and health are all off balance right now. Sometimes we get so distracted wanting someone near us, that we forget to enjoy our self.

I invite the Spirit of peace (Jehovah Shalon) to come into my spirit, heal my heart and clear mind. I need the Spirit of God to gently guide me. I need to go back to what has been the only true meaning of peace I have ever known. I encourage each of you to take a deep breath and moment out for yourself. Being a little selfish (with yourself) is a gift. 


Excuse me, while I take a moment to LIVE MY LIFE.

Women

I have always had a deep interest in gender relations in how men and women interact with each other, their own gender, and themselves in the social constructs that we create on a personal and mass societal level. As a child I always found that I had very few females around me that I felt like I could trust. That I could depend on. I hardly landed in situations wherein I wasn’t being judged or that I could share my deepest secrets with another woman without it being exposed to the general public.

 

We as women are taught from our very beginnings to compete, to despise each other, to put each other (and ourselves) down, from our bodies to our intellect, at any cost. All in all, we are a nasty gender. I wish women would take the time to help build each other, instead of tearing down the gentle souls within that we hide so well behind this hard shell exterior we have masks ourselves with.

Unsuitable to date!

I recently had a long conversation with a friend about this label (although at the time we did not label it as I just did). You read that right: “Unsuitable to date.” It kinda smacks of psychology jargon, which is annoying. Think of the things that make people suitable. Okay. First, rule out anyone who exhibits signs of the “two A’s:” abuse and addiction. Look at the most important things in life - if you want to have children, and if so, how many. Religious beliefs (in some cases that is a big make or break). Political affiliation (if you even care) may play a part in things to a small degree. General lifestyle sensibilities - shared hobbies and activities, etc. The biggest “seal the deal” is incredible physical chemistry, and if you have this and everything else matches up perfectly ... whoa! Things like this should really “go.” They always have. And yet they don't "go" far at all in some cases. They blasted off the ground only to explode, midair, and fragment into tiny pieces, scattered everywhere. I’m sure if you look around you'll find millions of tiny pieces of hearts and dreams, you might even be stepping on mine. 

My dis-qualifiers, in theory, would be distance, not so much physical as emotional and mental. There has got to be something much deeper and greater pulling me toward a person other then the selected list of "qualifications". Most would say I think too much and expect too much. I have even been told "it doesn't exists". Now, before you go feeling sorry for me, let me tell you something: Anything can be found when you least seek it. My point is, the universe already knows what belongs together and what doesn't, so wait. With that being said, if the right person (your "the one") should come into your life, don't question the hows and whys, simply allow it to exist. If you and he/she want to be together no matter how many miles or obstacles are in between, you will. You know what I'm talking about, for example a person comes into your life and then vanishes and just as they vanished they reappear and so on and so on. The universe is making it so you both will at some point in time truly cross paths.

I consider myself a great communicator. I will tell you exactly how I feel and expect nothing less. Anything less makes me uncomfortable. I take what people tell me at face value,and what they don't say too. But I also look for how they use language to gain insight into their personality - semantics. It’s all about subtext. I hone in on phrases like “too far”, "not yet" and “too much time.” I note when practical thinking overrides intuition way too much. Picking up on unspoken cues is important, too (very....important). I see if someone is okay with waiting for a table at the restaurant, if they’re willing to park a mile away from the venue. I look for that endurance of will, that something that causes a person to go out of their way or wait a little while for something they really want. I notice how people react to being told something unpleasant - can they deal? Or do they close down? Convenience. 

A man’s least favorite word might be “compromise,” but mine is “convenience.” My forgettable relationships started out because of convenience and ended when it no longer was. There was a bleak attempt to make it work, but ... meh. It wasn’t the normal relationship arguments that shattered those relationships; it was because we never had that tight “got your back covered” bond to begin with that makes couples endure on both ends. So how did it last as long as it did? Temporal proximity engendered fondness. Habit. A past relationship that lasted way too long, that made me want to try, try, try, was birthed from a childhood need for stability (that's the real reason not the good reason) that I vowed to "make sure" my children would have at the cost of my very soul. Now looking back I see just how it did in fact cost me that and much more, because I was never...appreciated and was never genuinely happy. I was just happy the children were happy. I recall every new year telling myself Whoa... we (me, myself and i) made it though another year with him. I worked so hard to hold it all together just to make sure... the kids had daddy at home, but little did I know they had lost Mommy in the process because I was no longer alive. I was on auto pilot. Simple fact: You appreciate something a lot more if you work for it. So failed relationships build the foundation for the lasting love of your life. This was an important, if awkward, thing to learn. But I know it, and you know it. It's in the second half of my life that I have learned to appreciate the imperfections that make everything perfect. 

If someone is willing to go through hoops just to give me a hug when they sense I need it without a hint from me that would be one of the many ways I would notice their love for me. Or call me multiple times a day when they wish to physically be near me, then that is who I want to spend my time with! That is what makes him a part of my life and important to me. That to me is worth more then the white picked fence and big backyard that I once sold my soul for and have now given up on. This is the real world... so enough there is no time for fairy tales! Nothing is perfect, but is can be perfect in it's own way. Life is not a big fun park. Parents go. Health declines. Jobs are lost. If you are married or at least are blessed enough to have your "the one", one of you will outlive the other, and if you’re the unlucky survivor, you must put the person you loved in the ground. To love like that, you have to know that love will be impractical, inconvenient, and totally unpredictable; that is the very definition of life. (If you can navigate around this, more power to you.) You have to go a lot further than convenience allows, to truly love. You have to be headstrong and strong. 

I’ve reached a couple of conclusions during this foray into the soon forgotten: People want it, but don't dare have it, because they are lazy and cowards. A lot of them set themselves up for FAIL because they have all sorts of unimportant specifications they want their perfect person to meet, a short distance being one of the more irrelevant ones. Yet oddly enough, they will part company with their biggest “deal breakers” for the sake of not being alone. I think that people spend most of their life alone or with the person who doesn’t really “do it” for them and cheating because secretly their hearts long for more. They just won’t get out of the pattern of what "other people" expect from them in their life (ahhh who's life?...yours!). I am out that frame of mind ... Then there’s the most brutal aspect. Everyone has a good reason to be together, and then they have a real reason. As much as we can try to neutralize our instinct to fall in love, it’s in our nature. When you meet the right person (your "the one", you know it, and you can’t help it. You will climb a ladder all the way to the moon to fetch the beloved. But when will you take that chance? What does it take to wake you from the deep sleep of "expectation of others and responsibilities tied to others", that deep sleep with soft background music whispering the shudda, coulda, woulddas...and what ifs...? Quite simply, when we have strength and courage! I could ponder (as I have for about twenty five minutes while writing this): “Geez, what’s the next DO?” Will I be one inch too tall? Maybe my hair will be too light? or they'll find my oh so cute mole ugly?! Will I work in the wrong field? Will I be toO thick?...maybe too thin? What is the minutiae that I would have to eradicate from my life to conform to someone’s ideal? But I know it’s not really about these things, and if someone tells me that my importance to them has any correlation to my physical or proximity to their neighborhood for their convenience, I’m going to do a mental eye roll. It’s about being the 'Right One" for the person who is willing to do the daily labor of accepting my imperfect self and willing to run through hoops to do it without a second thought or hidden agenda. Some might call it uncalculated risk to wait for "Mr.I'mAllYou'veEverWanted", others might say I risk being alone for life, but I am willing to risk it all at "the chance" to have it! I call it blind faith. Some of you might say I'm expecting too much, I say I expect exactly what I am ready and willing to give and nothing more. I still have blind faith; I want love, not convenience. I want him to matter and I want to matter to him. So it will be anything but simple, but if you work for it, you'll cherish it more. I want it to be unlike anything ever... it must be real. Most people can't handle the truth about what is really in their significant others mind, but be it ugly or pretty if you want real...appreciate it for what it is. 

I have matured enough to know the gift I want may not be packaged as i thought, but still in all "it's the gift I want", so come hale, snow, fire or flood I will sacrifice to have it. If there is one person like me, there has to be another. Don’t you think? Well I know there is. Anything else, to me at least... is unsuitable to date! OMG It's almost 2am, forgive me if I had a gibberish episode with multiple type-o's I'm sure! lol night night ;p)

Self proclaimed writer

I'm a self proclaimed writer. Not a craftsman.I'm better at breaking things then I ever will be at fixing them (so what buy a new one. lol). I can't put together furniture (heck, i have a hard time moving it from one side of the room to the next lol), but I can put together one hell of a blog (if desired). I can't (ok, won't) change the oil in a car, but damn am I good at writing for people. 

I am an under-average athlete but I can create sentences out of words that reach people and make them think and I hardly break a sweat doing it. There are a lot of things I'm not good at. I could spend my life trying to be better at them. I'd probably end up a little better than mediocre. I'll never be able to reverse driving directions in my head. I'll never be able to make it to work 52 weeks in a row without getting lost a few times. I have a strong feeling world peace is out of my control. There are so many things I will never do. There are so many things I will never be able to do. Who cares? It doesn't bother me that I'm not the best at whatever it is others expect me to be perfect at. It doesn't bother me that others can do things I have to but my butt trying to pull together. I do what I do and they do what they do, It is what it is and that's all that is will ever be.

This is what I want to do. I want to put words down that people get. That resonate. That make people think twice or three times or four times or five. I want to reach people with words that develop their thoughts. I want to make people laugh. It's hard to make people laugh on paper. Physical comedy is easy for me. Translating that humor and those experiences into the written word is my struggle.So while all of you are out there perfecting your craft, I will be here perfecting mine. All without breaking a sweat or using a blueprint or any input from anyone trying to perfect their view though my gift.

Immersed

I will now attempt to write a post in which I discuss something that makes me feel less than sane without leaving you with the impression that I am not less than sane. Already on shaky ground, aren't I?

I rarely have really good conversations with anyone. By "really good" I don't mean smart or funny or whatever. I mean conversations in which I feel like I am completely immersed and they are as well.

Amazingly in my lifetime I have shared this type of connection, but with only two people; one has now gone on into a new journey in life, while the other has simply become "distracted". I can't blame them, that's life... right?

immersed...

What do I mean?

I hear everything you're saying; you hear everything I'm saying. No distractions from the second track of thought running along in parallel; the track of doubt that — in addition to pulling my attention away — is populated by what I'm really thinking, including all the things I want to say but won't or want to ask but won't. And no distractions from wondering what's playing on your second track (the back of your mind).

I don't have those conversations. Anymore.

I don't hear everything that's being said because I can't hear over this loud silence that has slowly been surrounding me. And because I don't have anyone's undivided attention, I don't say everything I want to say. Ever.

Why should I?... No one is truly listening. Why bother pouring out my most inner thoughts and feelings into the "air". This has slowly become my reality, And it's making me lonely.

It makes me question if it is I that have become less interesting, or others that have become blind to all I truly have to offer.

Either way, It sucks!

Give

The more you put out the more you get back, right? Really though…giving freely and sharing positive energy with the world is what truly makes a great person. It’s not the bank account or the car or the list of achievements. Yes, these are things we commonly use to measure a person, but at the end of the day, we are nothing but our soul. The stuff, the accolades are no more. When you give and contribute you nourish your soul. We all know that warm, fuzzy feeling of doing good. I’ve questioned: Do people ever do good selfishly just to get that warm feeling and, if so, is that ok? I say yes. We eat good food and exercise so that we are physically healthier. Some go to church, temple, or have some belief system to nurture themselves spiritually. Giving of yourself and doing good so that you become a more whole person AND are helping something else in the process is a double win. Now, I realize I am on a complete tangent I didn’t intend to go on…so long story short: Give and love. Give and love freely. Give and love without expectation. Give and love without regret or question. Only by cultivating in yourself a whole, peaceful and loving person will you ever really be great.

Silence Within

Today I subbed my face into a pillow and cried and cried and cried and cried and the only way I could get myself to stop was to scream into my pillow, so that I could finish purging myself of the load I had within. 

I can't allow myself to feel that again. I must get back to that safe place I was once in.I remember, expecting nothing and when I got nothing, I was fine with it. That place within me that was numb and content. I have got to get a grip. I have got to lock myself away. Being alone with my thoughts will help to defuse, organize priorities and maintain a healthy balance. I want to be numb again. My emotions have meant nothing. I'm going to search for that numb feeling and hold it tight. It cant be that far from here. Feeling what I truly feel have proven to be meaningless. Being passionate and sensitive are like being invisible (very lonely).

So, Enough! I need time to hear the silence within my own soul.

Always Remember

“A woman, no matter how many times she denies it, will always remember every detail, every moment, every piece of the memories you’ve left her.” - Unknown

We got good memories together. There are things I hold close to my heart, and know I’ll cherish always, because they were times spent with you. In loving you, I have also had tears. But that’s okay, because I had laughs, I had you and I had love like I have never experienced it before.

Maybe we weren’t meant to be together forever. Maybe, just maybe... we are. Imagine one day looking into each-others eyes realizing we finally found "home". Or we'll realize it was never meant to be after all. Either way, I thank God daily that he put you in my life, and gave you favor with my heart. You truly wont ever know how important you are to me and how much of my heart is now yours. It would take twice my lifetime to show you. 

The day might come, when this wonderful love will crush me to tears. But don't remember me that way. Think of my voice, my touch, my scent and love... think of my heart and how it will always long to be by your side. Now close your eyes and smile...

Alone

” And I need someone now. I never needed anyone, but now I need someone. Yet, I’m alone. I’m more alone then I ever been. Because, there’s more people now. More people who supposedly love me but don’t. More people who say they care but they never show they do.  But, God, how I wish I had just one person. I would give anything to have someone love me. Someone who will hold me and let me cry. I don’t have that. I never really had. It’s getting so hard to keep going. I wonder if there’s anyone who really does care. If there’s anyone who I can talk to when I need to. But, it’s just impossible. No ones there for me. And now, after all these years of being alone … I don’t even really want them there.” 

- Jacqueline Kelly

You steal a part of me

I’m not supposed to want you

I’m not supposed to care,
And yet I spend my time dreaming
Of all that we could share

I’m not supposed to think about you
Or wonder where you’ve been

But no matter how I fight it

But my fight was meaningless

Because thoughts of you sneak in

I’m not supposed to crave
the feeling of holding you at night
But you creep into my vision
As stars dance away the night

I’m not supposed to yearn so

Always wishing you were here

But I hunger for your kisses

And I long to draw you near.

I’m not supposed to imagine
Where you are and what you do.
I know I shouldn’t cater
To a single thought of you

And as you walk away

You steal a part of me

A part I will never own again

I’m not supposed to want  you

in my life as my all

I should have known better

You will never love me

And if you do

I might never fully know

Yet I can’t help myself,

I lost all control in this
Because I'm fell in love with you.

Listen,

When I ask you to listen to me,
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask that you listen to me,
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me,
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen.
All that I ask is that you listen,
Not talk or do - just hear me. 

When you do something for me
That I need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and feelings of inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact
That I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
Then I can quit trying to convince you
And go about the business
Of understanding what’s behind my feelings.

So, please listen and just hear me
And, if you want to talk,
Wait a minute for your turn 

and I’ll listen to you.

space in your life

This was never about me

it was about getting lost as I looked into your eyes

it was never about what you could have done for me

but all i was willing to do and give to you

this... (WE) was about how my heart saw your beautiful soul

Slept the day away

These are the days I wish to have slept the day away

Leave it all behind

I'm going to leave it all behind. It's as simple as picking up a bag & sitting in a plane but it’s not as simple. See, you need to pack that bag, item by item, practically choosing everything you decide to take along and leave behind. Then you need to book a ticket to your destination, say your goodbyes to the place you are leaving hoping the place you are going to is worth the sacrifice & then you sit through the flight will all those uncertainties hovering over your head which won’t let you enjoy your flight. 

 As tiresome as it may sound, it actually is the most exciting part of the journey. What is there in your journey once you’ve reached the desired destination? Probably the waiting period where all the uncertainties materialize themselves but let’s not get all carried away here! All I know is that we cannot estimate the impact of a journey until we’ve taken it. We cannot know what lies ahead until we’ve gone there & experienced what is there to experience. If nothing else, we’ll have a brave story to re-tell ourselves once we are old & testy! So yes, I am still going strong on my decision to leave behind my comfort zone, against all odds, against all the “do-not-go” counter arguments presented by my mind to me. I'm going to take the challenge & push my limits past the "what-ifs".

At the door

So what now? 

Totally asleep . .. I know the way back. Keep coming back again and again. Deepen the awakening to include all aspects of being. Don't identify even with your reactions to being awake or asleep, they are just more sleeping and dreaming. The moment you say "This is it!" it isn't. I want to try to clarify that more because I have seen it more clearly than that. Maybe it's because the moment you think that, however subtly, you create a false dichotomy between yourself and your awakened self.

When it comes down to it what is really the essential part of you? What is the foundation on which all concepts of self are based? Isn't it only the simple fact of Being, alone, unadorned, so common it is neglected by almost everyone? It is so simple but just seeing it once will not set you free. The habits of a lifetime of ignorance are reverberating inside you. They are neither good nor evil. Your valued judgments about them are just another habit. But we are creatures of habit, aren't we? A person who knows they have tasted being awakened but has not embraced it is like an inmate in a prison where there are no guards and no warden. All the doors stand open and the prisoner continues to shuffle around in his cell, or perhaps the hallway, mostly dreaming that he is still a prisoner. Sometimes he sees the Truth and shuffles closer to the Final Exit. The fear is intense and at time seems all consuming. It seems the prison is all he has ever known and if he walks through that final door he will leave everything behind. Who will he be? How will he live? Where will he go?

So many questions they could be contemplated for a lifetime, or perhaps forever. Perhaps they have been already. Perhaps we have been standing at the door all this time and now all that is needed is one step. So many people "waste" more time at the door of their dreams and desires then on the path of their fulfillment. This morning as I awakened I asked myself... how long will you sleep?!

Missing your ghost

Every night I find myself dreaming of you,

I dream of you,

and you...

keep me awake!

I wake up multiple times a night

and the night slips me by

as I dream of you...

Of how you are.

and all I know you'll always be

to me...

In the darkest of the night,

When my eyes grow heavy

And sleep surrounds,

You invade. 

You steal and give me peace all together

You’re always within reach,

But I cant touch you,

Your always just a glimpse of all I ever wanted

Yet all I might never fully have

Your always leaving,

Never staying.

Am I so easy to forget?

Am I so easy to ignore as you live?

live life without me near?

Do you not miss me as I miss you?

Maybe I'm just a fool...

in love with the ghost of you

the one who was here

that might return

but will never remain

a mire glimpse of all I wish to give my love and life to

but who ever said you wanted that,

from me...

Who ever said I was enough for you...

I wake with a heaviness in my mind and heart

And a feeling of empty hands that have grown tired of reaching,

for the ghost that doesn't want to truly be a part of this world

my world...

I lay here

eyes wide open

remembering

Your face

your eyes

your lips

and scent

I embrace my pillow for comfort,

but your scent is still on my sheets and I feel my heart race

as I fight back the tears of not having you near

and so...

I force myself to sleep again

because I know that you will be there waiting...

waiting... in my dreams

because it's the only place where you are truly mine...

The only place where you truly embrace me as yours...

I am afraid to be awaken again, 

because I know my empty bed and the quiet stillness of the night

will remind me...

That

You have forgotten me

This is how it's done

Aside from God,

Owe no one,nothing!

Unfiltered

Because there has to be a place in this world

where you can be unfiltered you,

and you are free to not care

to be politically correct for no one!

Cracked

 
All of us are being cracked open. Each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen, people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And once a vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable.

Then the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only then at that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs.

Makes you question; When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out. We truly become one.

“The only obsession everyone wants: ‘love.’ People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole? The Platonic union of souls? I think otherwise. I think you’re whole before you begin. And the love fractures you. You’re whole, and then you’re cracked open. ” -Philip Roth

Somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

I once went to see a movie "For Colored Girls" and OMG was it a tear-jerker. I saw a part of me or someone I have known within each character, every experience. It was like the diary of any and every woman was on the screen. There were however two parts of this movie that impacted me greatly. One of them I will share with you at a later time, but today I will share with you the poem that to this day I quietly recite to myself in the mirror from time to time. 

Just as this poem has impacted me, I am sure that it will do the same for anyone who takes the time to allow the words to penetrate their soul. Along with the actual poem to read, I have added the video to allow you a moment to close your eyes and see yourself. Enjoy...

Somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff!

Not my poems or dance I gave up in the street, but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin. This is mine; this ain't your stuff. Now why don't you put me back & let me hang out in my own self.

Somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff & didn't care enuf to send a note home sayin, "I waz late for my solo conversation or two sizes too small for my own tacky skirts." What can anybody do wit somethin of no value on a open market? Did you getta dime for my things? Hey man, where are you goin wid alla my stuff? This is a woman's trip & I need my stuff to ohh & ahh abt. Daddy, I gotta mainline number from my own sh!t. Now wontchu put me back and let me play this duet with this silver ring in my nose.

Honest to God, somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff

And I didn't bring anything but the kick & sway of it. The perfect a** for my man & none of it is hers. This is mine. Notzake 'her own things' that's my name. Now give me my stuff. I see ya hidin my laugh and how I sit wif my legs open sometimes to give my crotch some sunlight. And there goes my love my toes my chewed up finger nails. Niggah, wif the curls in your hair Mr. Louisiana hot link, I want my stuff back. My rhythms & my voice, open my mouth, & let me talk ya outta throwin my  sh!t  in the sewar. This is some delicate leg & whimsical kiss. I gotta have to give to my choice without you runnin off wit alla my sh!t.

Now you can't have me less I give me away & I waz doin all that til ya run off on a good thing. Who is this you left me wit. Some simple b**** widda bad attitude. I wants my things. I want my arm with the hot iron scar and my leg wit the flea bite. I want my calloused feet & quik language back in my mouth. Fried plantains, pineapple pear juice, sun-ra & joseph & jules, I want my own things. How I lived them & give me my memories. How I waz when I waz there. You can't have them or nothin wit them. Stealin my sh!t from me, don't make it yours- makes it stolen.

Somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff & I waz standin there lookin at myself. The whole time & it wazn't a spirit took my stuff. Waz a man whose ego walked round like Rodan's shadow. Waz a man faster in my innocence. Was a lover I made too much room for almost run off wit alla my stuff & didn't know I'd give it up so quik. And the one running wit it don't know he got it. My stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure of the year. Did you know somebody almost got away with me? Me in a plastic bag under their arm, me danglin on a string of personal carelessness. I'm spattered wit mud & city rain & no I didn't get a chance to take a douche. Hey man, this is not your perogrative. I gotta have me in my pocket to get round like a good woman shd & make the poem in the pot or chicken in the dance. What I got to do I gotta to have my stuff to do it to. Why don't ya find your own things & leave this package of me for my destiny. What ya got to get from me, I'll give it to ya. Yeh, I'll give it to ya around 5:00 in the winter when the sky is blue-red & Dew City is gettin pressed. If it's really my stuff, ya gotta give it to me. If ya really want it, I'm the only one who can handle it. Somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff!

 -Ntozake Shange

(Book: "For Colored Girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf")

Simply ME

I have a strong personality. It's because I have a strong identity. I am me. There are a lot of things about me that offend people, displease people, embarrass people, annoy people. I've lived most of my life knowing this. You can't win them all. What a great motto to live by.

For years I've understood that because I have a strong identity and I'm not willing to sacrifice me, that most people will either love me or hate me. I've caught myself many times trying to hide those parts that people don't like. It made me feel horrible. Not because some people didn't like me or get me, but because by hiding, I was telling them that I didn't like myself. I diminished my self-worth and gave power to the opinions of people who didn't matter.

Cliche of Dr. Seuss, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

There is one thing about me that at times is a quality and at other times I have come to the conclusion that it's my defense mechanism. I know how to walk way... I mean, I can disconnected, disappear, vanish and even if I cry everyday, am anguished by pain and miss someone terribly. I will suffer in silence! Yet in the one relationship I was most abused in, I remained far too long. You learn a lot of ugliness about yourself when you see how willing you have been to be walk all over for the sake of not being alone, not starting over, impressing someone or proving to others that you are strong enough to hold on. That look into the mirror of my past has given me a secret impulse to want to run from people I start to feel close to. Yet there is someone that has captured all of me, and it makes me scared.

Why do we put so much emphasis on such a large majority of people? You know who I care to impress? My God, my kids, my sisters their babies and my parents. My God because he is the reason for all that I have ever had and all I will ever have. My kids because they are my heart and I must be all that I was created to be for the sake of teaching them to want more out of life and going after it. My sisters and nephews for the same reason as my children. My parents because they took on the burden (and pleasure lol) of molding me. With the exception of two other people I wish to not name, Everyone else is like collateral damage. The more you try to impress them, the more fake you get. The more you lose yourself. The less people respect you. The less you'll like yourself.

I see so many people forcing themselves into a mold that they don't naturally fit into. You know, square peg, round hole. It's like me shoving myself into a pair of size 2 skinny jeans. It's ugly. Why are you sacrificing yourself, your beliefs, your identity to please someone or a group of someones who ultimately do not know you? It's pointless. Not everyone can wear skinny jeans. I have a big booty and hips for days... I could never ever in my thinnest day fit into a pair, but I'm cool with that, are you? 

It all boils down to confidence. When you're secure in yourself, you can lose the mask. You can lose the facade of who you want people to see you as. Instead, you let them see you for who you are: the good, the bad, and the make-up-free ugly.

When I say something, it's not to impress people. It's just because I thought it. So it makes it a part of me, at least for that moment. Free speech is a right. Use it. Don't let it go to waste. Transform it into free identity. Become yourself. Regardless of what people think or say. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Your identity is constantly evolving, but it can't grow and adapt and become amazing if it's never freed from trying to impress others.