At some point

There's a quiet sadness living inside you, elegantly hide behind your smile. That sadness is lost hope, in humanity. As much as you try to look back in time and figure out when and with whom it started to fade, you can't. And you come to realize that maybe you never had hope at all. Maybe you have been living everyday of your life waiting for someone to awaken that hope, but as always, within time... people took off their masks and there was no hope behind it.

Waiting for a start

I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when I'd have kids. The the person I'd become after surviving this horrible divorce. The person I'll become once I shed my old skin. Waiting to see what will be of my heart after it has fallen into the wrong hands. Waiting to see if someone worthy of my love, would realize that I too am truly worthy of being loved. God knows I am tired of being used and drained and I pour my soul into people and their dreams and all they need from me, only to still be alone and live life alone and struggle alone? I have given my love to the point of running on empty. Yet... my heart keep loving and I keep pushing and I keep hoping, because I, am, waiting...

And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin. I love movies about “The Big Moment” the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is re-framed, before it and after it, "because it has changed everything". I have always wanted this movie worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies.

John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. 

Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies. But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that move score worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets, this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience.

Far too long have I waited, have I been patient, I have allowed time to slip by... It's time to not worry about where is that moment that changes everything, but focus on this moment being the reason I become the one who changes everything!

Chin Up says Marilyn ;)

"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world.  

As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. If you quit you'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. 

 Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." - Marilyn Monroe

A tired heart

Somehow this tired heart drained of hope,

drained from life
and beat down from being used,

found peace and trust in "you"

Somehow...

One of the weirdest calculation of life is that we always meet the right people

Good people positively influence our lives while the so called bad ones motivate us to towards the right things.Its pretty uncanny but life has delved within me a degree of understanding in this last one year of life. I don't repent for the flaws I made .

I don't applaud myself on my achievements (Because only I truly know how many times I failed to achieve "one"). But still even when I haven't succeeded as much as I have tried, at least I tried! This phase of life has been one of the most meaningful one for me. I got reintroduced to submerged parts of me, saw people against their painted faces, underwent situations way beyond my perceptual imagination and  gave birth to the word weaver in me!

So in one way wrong things pave our paths for a better life. If we always got what we wanted we wouldn't grow beyond our very own comfort zone. Almighty decodes us to the very extreme, then gives us a horizon to witness the Gem in us.

So, don't think and lament you met the wrong people, encountered wrong things and have been victimized in  wrong instances and  simply let go and rediscover yourself!

Rediscover YOURSELF

You went to school and studied a particular trade to earn a living or to actualise a personal or family dream. You have recently been laid off and you are finding it difficult to get employed. Being laid off or losing your job does not always need to be bad news. This could herald new beginnings for you if you let it. A job in reality is a means to and end and should never define you.
At this time, you may need to really look at your life and identify things about you that will help you in your next chapter of life. A farmer plants the seed expecting a harvest. Before a harvest the farmer must prune and get rid of the weed on the farm that may interfere with the harvest. Start thinking like a farmer and ask yourself what kind of a farmer you are

Conducting a personal Inventory
1) Identify your personal character strengths which may include ability to listen well, analytical, sympathetic, compassionate, communcation skills, among others. Be honest, this is you being true to yourself not a woo to a prospective  employer.
2) Identify your natural abilities and traits emphasizing what you feel you were born with or have exhibited throughout your life.
3) List your educational or training experiences that have resulted in skills or information pertinent to the goals you are setting for yourself
4) Identify experiences that closely mirror the challenges represented by your new goal or vision
5) Name individuals who may be helpful to you as you attempt to reach your goal. We all need help to get to where we are going and this is the time to reach out to those who have made it where it is you want to go.
Conducting a personal inventory will help you know what “rocks” in your life need to be pulled out as they maybe blocking your growth. To cultivate land a farmer needs to clear the field which may include cutting down certain trees down. Decide for yourself what needs to be cleared in your life and what “trees” need to be felled.

Great achievers of our world choose three courses of action;
a) They find out what career is most rewarding and interesting to pursue in order to use their full potential. Do not go for a job just because of the money. Aim to actualise yourself through your work.
b) They sometimes find it necessary to go through several job changes and in the process test and discover new talents. Few people know who they are or what their purpose in life is. Testing different fields may sometimes be the only way to find yourself.
c) They use their jobs to develop their talents and potential. Aim to grow and develop areas in you that need developing or growth. 

To succeed in your Endeavour, engage in activities that will help you recognize your individual talents, abilities and opportunities for success. Associate with people who will encourage you toward and then applaud your accomplishments. No matter what you do or what position you occupy, give it your best effort because you are worth your best effort.

Remind yourself and believe that you can overcome the problem standing in your way of success because you can make a difference. Your healthy self esteem is vital to your ability to dream of success. Learn therefore to love yourself because in loving yourself you learn to love and give value to others.

Risk it all in the name of Success!

All the population of Earth may be divided into two categories: people who love various experiments and changes and those who don’t like to change anything in their life.

Even the smallest moments build your whole life. Therefore, you should pay more attention to your inner, even the smallest, desires and strive to realize them as often as possible. By doing this you are preparing yourself for big and important changes, undertakings and projects. By realizing your desires, you fill yourself with spiritual satisfaction, joy and optimism.

Try to get more, and then you’ll achieve what you want. Don’t underestimate your abilities, because in this life it’s better to overestimate them, rather than vice versa. Especially when it’s just trying. Because high self-esteem gives strength, confidence and willingness to act.

It is better to try and make sure that this or that doesn’t work and relax rather than later regret the missed opportunity. You should have a good opinion of your own skills because the positive assessment will push you to acquiring new knowledge and making new attempts to succeed. The fear of anything new is normal. It’s like a child’s fear of the dark room. You must enter and turn on the lights and make sure that nobody and nothing is wrong there. For example, if you want to write poems, write them, and take them to the editor of some magazine. And don’t be afraid! If they like it they’ll print it, if not, no problem. Try again.

Just try and don’t be afraid

Fear is only at the beginning. Napoleon once said: “The main thing is to get involved in a fight, and then we’ll see.” It’s difficult only to start and then everything will be OK!

Don’t listen to bad advisers. Your friends assure you that you have excess weight? And they advise you different diets and wearing special nasty clothes. Throw out those clothes and you’ll immediately feel your attractiveness. Such advice can completely discourage you and you’ll be afraid of any kinds of experiments. After all, everyone in the world has their own standards of beauty.

Develop your self-confidence and don’t be afraid to want too much.

Don’t miss a chance! In order to succeed, you should think over, prepare everything in advance and you shouldn’t miss a moment. Do not let anyone or anything knock you out of the saddle. Being on a horse is a much more pleasant thing. Stay away from everything negative, do not hesitate and do not retreat.

Be sure to get a result whatever it is, because a negative result is also the result of the action. If you suffered a failure don’t stop, find out what went wrong, what is the reason of that failure. Find it and avoid it on your next trip up hill.

Go ahead and try, change the world around and change yourself, be active and energetic, then you will never have a reason to regret the lost chance, to be sorry of what you could have made a difference in, but you didn’t.

Things changed

I’ve never been a woman that would admit to need. I've always been strong and determined to take care of myself. A perfectionist to my core with stubbornness in my veins. I’ve always made all my own decisions and relied on myself to solve every problem. I had no positive person in my life to fall back on. No one to give me advice without adding judgement or guilt and so I took care of myself, confided in no one, and internalized everything. But that all changed...

I find myself intoxicated by how safe and supported I feel now that I’ve got someone I can count on. Someone I can ask for help, get support from, lose control with. I’ve got someone that doesn’t judge me or make me feel guilty. I’ve got someone that doesn’t just love me, but treats me like someone that loves me and wants me to be a better person. Someone that builds me up and encourages me. So here I am, willingly abandoning all control to him and finding myself in need.

I need to be in his arms. I need that hug when I'm having a hard day, his breath in my ear whispering, “I'm here, your not alone .” I need to rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. I need to feel his lips steal my unspoken secrets. Secrets that when I'm alone...keep me up at night.

Finding Nemo

Staring blankly at the ocean, knowing that there’s so many “fishes” out there but yet you can’t find one made just for you. You think you’ll never find someone, you think you’re going to be forever alone. No, You’re not.

The ocean might be big, but hey, do waves come to shore easily or all the time? No, it doesn't. It takes a few waves to get to shore. Love doesn’t come straight up to anyone. You have to give it time. You don’t need to rush anything. If something is bound to happen, it will happen. In the right time, with the right person and for the best reason. When it comes, you’ll know it not just because of who they will be to you, but also because of who you are to them.

As for now, just enjoy your life and the people around you. 
Be happy with what you have, and believe that better things come to those who wait. With waiting, you have more time to prepare yourself for a relationship, learn more about love, and find out who truly cares for you and who’s just going to use you, mislead you and break your heart. You’ll have more time to allow the perfect one destined for you, find you. let Love come and seek you. It will, maybe not now or in a year, or 2 years but one day it will come. And when it does, you will know why it took so long or why it never worked with anyone else. Why no one else saw that real, unconditional, passionate love lived in you... Trust that it will even be better than what you thought you wanted cause what God wants for you, is much better then you can imagine. Just be patient.